The Traveller's Guide to SPAM and How to Avoid It.

Many a time, O traveller, ye find yourself stopping in your tracks and reflecting upon the questions of What, pray tell, is SPAM? What are its evolutionary roots? Is it truly as dangerous as it is made up to be? And if so, how do I avoid it?

All these questions have been asked before - many times, alas, by victims of this remarkably annoying specimen. To aid future generations, this quick field guide has been written to hopefully allow ye to identify this foul beast and avoid its path.

First of all, we must define, in general, what SPAM is.

SPAM, first and foremost, stands for 'Stupid, Pointless, Annoying Message' (as opposed to the more traditional definition of 'Something Posing As Meat'). The common SPAM nests and reproduces in newsgroups, E-mail and forums, and feeds on brainwave energy through a form of intellectual osmosis - namely, these posts are so stupid that they draw intelligence from those around them.

SPAM has no known natural predators, as it has, alas, no nutritional value whatsoever. Even scavengers steer clear of its path, and an area polluted by SPAM may remain so, if unattended, for years on end.

To put things simply: SPAM is not bio-degradable. Someone has to clean up the mess it makes.

Here are a few identifying marks to help one determine whether or not a post that crosses your path is, in fact, SPAM:

1. Posts that are freakishly short: Usually reaching the maximal length of three words (commonly spotted variants include 'Yes', 'No', 'I don't know', 'Okay', 'Cool! ^_^' or 'O RLY?'), the freakishly short posts are prominent forms of SPAM (some scientists claim that this may be the missing link between the lesser-spotted SPAM and the common Forum Troll, but this link is still under heavy debate.)

2. Posts that have no point whatsoever: These are usually COMPLETELY off-topic (in a way that is not bound to the conversation within at all - a conversation that naturally derails is one thing, but a post like 'Kittens. Aren't they just fluffy-wuffy adorable?' in a thread dealing with the rise and fall of the Roman Empire is something completely different) or are horrifically misplaced. New topics are best kept within their own threads - or avoided altogether.

3. Posts that make unneeded return appearances: This particular form of SPAM is best avoided by reading boards and threads before replying to them, to see if the subject under debate has already been dealt with. I believe the terran term for this would be 'to inflict harm upon a deceased equine', not to beat a dead horse.

4. Posts that are needlessly conversational: This particular species has been compared to "A guy talking loudly on his cell phone during a club meeting", and is attracted to exclusive discussions amidst two particular members, ones that have no interest or value to the other members of the board. To avoid attracting these beasts, you are requested to deal with personal discussions via personal means such as the Private Messaging system, or an instant messenger of your choice.

5. Posts that consist of advertising: perhaps the most common form of SPAM outside of forums, these beasts usually consist of links that are out of context and were not requested - a trait which makes them easy to tell apart from legitimate links in posts. Being an imported species in forums, they rarely prosper in forum environments.

6. Posts that are blatant attention whoring: These are usually left behind after valid posts made by a specific type of n00b if they are ignored for too long. Like certain types of parasitic fungi, this form of SPAM posesses its n00b host and causes it to behave erratically and noisily (sprouting lines such as 'DOESN'T ANYONE CARE?!' or 'Hello, Is There Anybody In This Forum?', or similar senseless gibberish), until an empathic higher creature, out of mercy for the n00b host being tormented by its SPAM parasite, will lop the n00b's head off preventing the parasite's further outbreak.

These are, of course, the most common identifying marks that would allow one to tell SPAM apart from posts that are not SPAM. An easy rule of thumb for those qualified to deal with SPAM is this - if a post attempts to drain your intelligence, kill it - and call it SPAM afterwards.