In 1998, a modem was installed into an unsuspecting computer. Seemingly, A standard 33.6 Boca Research modem. It functioned properly for many a year... Until one day, it inexplicably revolted.
The modem I speak of is no other but the reason I often appeared and disappeared from AIM. The reason I kept getting annoyed. It was non other than Modaemon, Bane of the Internet.
But then, a ray of hope came in the form of a new modem.
One that works properly, and doesn't give me any problems. So what shall
be done with Modaemon? Can it allowed to continue living in peace?
I don't think so.
And thus... The SmashFest Begins.
But Prior to the mindless destruction, I would like to make an announcement.
DON'T try this at home.
I'm a professional. Besides, it was REALLY asking for it.
And now - For a few images of Modaemon prior to the Devastation.
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Figure 1.1: A general view of Modaemon. |
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Figure 1.2: Hell's Landscape - Modaemon Surface View. |
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Figure 1.3: The Gates of Hell, through which passed so many phone lines... To die. |
My first attempt of murder was drowning the modem in cold water. For some reason, the only thing it did was to shake off the dust and cause the green color to look greener.
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Figure 1.4: |
It was then when I decided that if water doesn't work, there will be need for surgery.
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Figure 2.1: MPD - Multipurpose Destruction Unit. |
This tool was the article I used to remove circuitry and important parts creatively as illustrated in figure 2.2.
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Figure 2.2: The MPD in action - Surgery commencing. |
The results of this were particularily effective. Pretty soon, internal organs (Figure 2.3) lay bleeding on the operation table and Modaemon, stoic and still as ever, looked at them in (what we can only presume was) a modemic display of pain. (Figure 2.4)
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Figure 2.3: A modem's internal organs. |
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Figure 2.4: The Victim... Err... Patient, Post-Operation. |
After that, I used a common knife to scrape off some skin...
For research purposes, of course. Unfortunately, the skin scraped off
collapsed soon after, leaving a bunch of interesting artistic designs
on the circuit board, as illustrated next.
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Figure 3.1: Scratch that. |
After this I was faced with a problem. So far Modaemon showed
high resistance for non-physical elements... So I figured... Well, if
water elementals couldn't destroy it, how about Fire3...
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Figure 4.1: Light the barby, mate! |
THIS would be what I used to induce the fiery reaction. It's a VERY powerful lighter, as is evident in the next picture. AZIZ! LIGHT!
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Figure 4.2: I love the smell of napalm in the morning. |
Anyway, Ii did the flamin' part out of my room to avoid burning anything, and so, I couldn't take pictures of the modem ablaze (partially because the bastard never even lit!) I did manage to leave a mean scorchmark though. There were no cheap, burnable plastic parts or labels, and on its circuit-board, Modaemon showed high resistance to flame (I should have expected it... It IS from Hell, after all.)
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Figure 4.3: Scorched Earth. |
After that attempt I decided to give up on the elements,
and use plain old fashioned physical attacks. This time, however, I went
for something a bit more advanced than ripping off circuitry.
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Figure 5.1: His Holeyness. |
That would be an industrial-strength... Thing-you-use-to-punch-holes-in-documents-so-they-would-fit-into-folders... Hole-Puncher, I think it was :P. Anyhow, it was strong enough to pass through the material the modem was made of.
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Figure 5.2: Holey cow! |
By the time I was done with it it looked like...
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Figure 5.3 Swiss cheese. |
Swiss cheese. And what would be cheese without cheese shavings?
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Figure 5.4: I wouldn't suggest you feed THAT to your gerbil. |
Amazingly, Modaemon was still stoic. That was when I decided to cause some interesting cell division, or "partitioning" as it is referred to in the computer business. To initiate that procedure I used a unique tool. A swiss army knife.
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Figure 6.1: The many-bladed oxymoron. |
... I bet you *SAW* This coming.
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Figure 6.2: No no no, Not that old saw! |
What I hoped to be mitosis turned out to be meiosis. The cells DID split, but each side kept only half of the genetic material, without regrowing the other half. Amazingly, though, both sides survived... And made the final cut. THIS was the final cut:
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Figure 6.3: A splitting headache. |
That was when I used the Monty Python approach and dropped
a 16 ton weight, or its equivalent, on the two pieces. One piece punched
into another, and it took me a bit of struggle to get them apart again.
Here's the punch-mark.
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Figure 7.1: The punch-mark is marked in a red circle.. |
That was when I was furious, and decided to let loose my
ultimate weapon.
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Figure 8.1: Chemicals for the masses. |
What you see here is an alkali substance and an acid. The acid here is your common household vinegar (Acetic acid, CH3-COOH, If I remember correctly...). The alkali substance would be common baking soda. (Sodium Bicarbonate, NaHCO3).
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Figure 8.2: The alkali factor. |
As you can see, I have put a lot of baking soda on the modem halves... To set the ground for the nearby explosion. Let the CO2 fly!
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Figure 8.3: Oooh... Bubbly... |
At this point, Modaemon decided to react, by spraying some
of the resulting white bubbly stuff on me. It has quickly vanished in
a sea of white foam, and in that moment I knew that... this was it.
Modaemon will never trouble us again. Its spirit has been exorcised. And
as for the pieces? They are cold and dead. My work was done.
Thus endeth the age of Modaemon.
May it rest in pieces.
Cast
Narrator: StellarWind Elsydeon
Destroyer: StellarWind Elsydeon
Modaemon: Modaemon R.I.P
Chief Lighting: An Overhead Lamp.
Lighting Assistants: A Table Lamp and the Computer Screen
Camera: Intel USB WebCam (Cue: Intel Inside tune)
Mouse: Logitech
Image Editing: Photoshop
Sound Editing: Sound?
Senseless Murder: StellarWind Elsydeon
Flying Weasel Wrangler: N. O. Tingham.
The Program was produced by StellarWind Elsydeon, All Rights Reserved. Or something. ^_^